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Welcome to 2013. If you’re likemost people, you’ve made a bunch of New
Year’s Resolutions. And if you’re like most people, they won’t last past
This year, try a new approach.
The experts at Love Systems (the self-help gurus for dating advice for
men) have shown that people who focus on inputs, like “I’m going to skip
dessert every Thursday” have a lot more success than people who focus
on outcomes, like “I’m going to lose 25 pounds this year.”
With that in mind, I’ve been helping guys solve their love lives for 10
years now, and I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t. I have five New
Year’s Resolutions for guys who want to get better with women. That’s
it. Print these out, paste them on your wall and hold yourself
You’ll thank me later.
Find and Communicate Your Passion and Purpose
Being good with women is different from being good at just about anything else. If I want to be great at guitar or basketball,
I should spend as much time studying and playing guitar or basketball
as I can. But if your life revolves around meeting women, it’s
counterproductive. That kind of lifestyle doesn’t make you very
interesting to most women.
Find your passion and purpose. Get used to explaining it in a way that
other people, especially women, find compelling. It’s better to have
genuine passion for your Star Trek memorabilia than it is to pretend
that you’re into something because you think she’ll think it’s
attractive. It’s the passion and emotional energy that she’ll respond to
For example, I play and design board games in my spare time. When I talk
about that, I don’t talk about the mechanics of dice roll modifiers or
card-driven systems. I talk about when I was kid, a lot of my
interaction with my family came over games, and even though you can do
everything better on computers now, it’s really a great feeling to know
that you designed something fun that brings people together in the same
room for good times. It’s cooking a great meal, but that people can
enjoy over and over. Any woman can relate to that.
But still, you do have to work for your goals. If you want to be happy
with your dating life, you need to practice. This isn’t because there’s
anything wrong with you. It’s because women practice their social and
flirting skills all the time. They can’t help it. An attractive,
outgoing, social woman is going to have people wanting to talk to her
quite often. To be on her level, you need to practice too.
A good habit to get into is never letting an attractive woman go by
without talking to her. If you need to plan to go to the mall or the
club or various events so that enough attractive women cross your path
for this resolution to be meaningful, go for it. But don’t cheat
yourself. Make yourself approach, and don’t leave the conversation
(unless she does) for at least five minutes.
You’re not going to be interested in every woman you meet, but if you
get good at starting the conversation, breaking the ice and flirting, you’ll be in a great position when Ms. Right does come along.
Get Good “Wingmen”
Studies show that people who share their goals with others remain more committed and accountable to them. So, there’s that.
There’s also the fact that meeting women is MUCH more fun and MUCH
easier when you’re out with like-minded friends. You can do well picking
up women alone if you know what you’re doing, but it’s definitely not
If you don’t have any suitable friends in your area, try the wingman forum on The Attraction Forums.
Upgrade Your "First Impression”
Studies have shown that women will often decide whether a man is a “no”
or a “maybe” within 30 to 90 seconds of meeting him. It absolutely pays
off to make sure you pass that first test. It starts with fashion and hair but it goes beyond that—your body language is hugely important.
The great thing about body language is that unlike, say, going on a date, body language is something you can practice 24/7, even when there are no women around.
Body language can get super detailed, but a few key elements are most
important. If you find yourself doing any of these, then pick ONE and
fix it. Tell all of your friends that you’re working on (for example)
eye contact and ask them to let you know any time your eye contact isn’t
solid. Set your phone to vibrate every hour to “spot check” whatever
you’re working on, until it’s a habit you don’t think about anymore.
Eye contact – 90 percent of the time when you’re talking, 70 percent of the time when you’re listening.
Controlled movements – Like Derek Cajun (a Love Systems Master Instructor) says, “move like you’re moving underwater.”
Smile – Not a big plastered-on smile, but look friendly. It will help your mood, too.
Shoulders back – Don’t hunch forward.
Stand tall – Keep your head up. Don’t look at the ground when you walk.
Be Man Enough to Get Help
Most men aren't “naturally” good at attracting women. Some guys learn
from watching older brothers or friends. Others won the genetic lottery.
For everyone else, there’s hope—but you’re going to have to make it
happen. And men tend not to want to admit that they could use help in
this area of their lives.
Women don’t have this problem. They ask for and share advice all the
time—and get much more personal than most men. This gives women a social
What kind of help? Start by looking through these columns—there are
almost 20 of them now, each on a different topic. Or remember that
wingman forum I was talking about earlier? It’s also a great (and free)
place to ask questions and get answers. Check it out.
To your success in 2013!
The Pick Up: 5 New Year's Resolutions For Your Love Life
While my cohorts in college spent their time dawdling in the
libraries, the cafés and the classrooms around campus, I always felt
most comfortable in the parking lots on game day. I educated myself over
barbeques; knowledge came fast in the form of a can. I crossed the
stage with an honors degree in tailgating, my major in a glass, with a minor in ass. There were never enough Saturdays for me, so when the call came to
trek across this great country in search of the best tailgate party, I
grew giddy as a kid at Christmas. I was out the door before my editor
had even finished the sentence. When I got home, the receiver was still
dangling off the table. Tailgating is my calling; it is my god, my
savior and my religion. Another season of Saturdays was upon me, and my
first stop had been a long time coming.
EverBank Field – Florida/Georgia Classic
Scene: 10/10 Girls: 9/10 Fans: 8/10 Food: 7/10
Drink of Choice: Bourbon There was no getting around it; Jacksonville, Florida was a must.
Rumors of three long debaucherous days descending upon the American
South were too great to pass up. The annual meeting of Georgia and
Florida has long been considered the “biggest outdoor cocktail party in
the world,” but that’s probably too formal a word. For anyone else in attendance, I was the guy in the frilly pink tutu
outside The Landing grumbling about horseshoes. All Hallows’ Eve
coinciding with tailgating, and naturally horseshoes, had proven to be a
major setback. At a buck a point and a beer every five, playing six
games against some very serious ringers from Georgia had me drunk, broke
and dressed as a princess, the last being an unfortunate consequence of
a side bet with my own friends. Ten hours under the Florida sun had
taken its toll and I was brooding. All around me was chaos. Any time after 11, the Jacksonville Landing
is a breeding ground of Fun. Beer flows frivolously, hordes of students
weave in and out of crowds, jockeying for position and eyeing the next
packed bar. With Halloween thrown into the mix, the whole thing looks
like a circus, something straight out of a Hunter Thompson novel. The days are no different. Students spilling into the parking lots,
parking lots spilling out into the street and beer spilling every which
way but up. For three long days there are no definitive lines or
boundaries in Jacksonville; the whole city turns into one giant backyard
barbeque, the true Elysium of the tailgating elite.
Husky Stadium – University of Washington Huskies
Scene: 10/10 Girls: 8/10 Fans: 7/10 Food: 7/10 Drink of Choice: Cuba Libres Breaking out, bleary-eyed, into the sun is disorienting enough, but
stuck somewhere in the middle of a Pacific waterway with little
recollection of why you are there is not something you can immediately
come to terms with. There had been a football game. Evidence littered the deck of the
boat and floated carelessly alongside us, but I had no clear memories of
seeing any sort of on-field action. The portable TV, toppled and
cracked in the corner, was still showing highlights, and I sat down
looking for anything that would bring back images out of the carnage of
the previous day. My last clear memory is the lights of the stadium exploding into the
orange-blue twilight. Anything after is a tangled mess of passing boats,
echoes booming across the bay, cheers from a distant crowd and
innumerable trips in and out of the startlingly cold water. Flashes of
scantily clad women diving from the deck, drinking from the bottle,
shooting fireworks out into the dead summer night and finally passing
out amid the booze, the blondes and the beer are all that are left.
Sailgating with a raucous Husky crowd had long been a dream of mine, and
having done it, it still is, every year, from now until I can remember
Let’s face it: this cold weather is kicking our asses. We
wish we could’ve pitched a story to our editor about vacationing somewhere warm
or even something that would involve cuddling in a bed with a bevy of women,
but we just didn’t foresee this wretched snow, sleet and wind. But if you are bold
enough to brave the cold, these are the gadgets you need to optimize your time
Oakley Airwave – GPS-Enabled Goggles
A couple of the guys around the office are diehard
snowboarders, and this 40-below-zero weather isn’t making them flinch one bit now
that there are so many wicked devices on the market designed to make every time
they hit the slopes awesome. One piece of equipment we haven’t heard the end of
is the Oakley Airwave GPS-enabled goggles which help riders see, track and
share their speed, performance stats, jump analytics, navigation and more. These
goggles even have a buddy tracking system that tracks your friends who also own
the Oakley Airwave goggles or who download the app on their smartphones. Even
cooler? They can connect to your iPhone, Blackberry or Android to let you see
incoming calls and text messages. We foresee many “sick days” on the slopes with these goggles!
Gamer Next Door App Choice: X Games App for iPhone
If you live for the X Games, this app is for you. I LOVE
that this app is year-round and full of awesome vids, bios and instant results
of all six X Games Events in 2013; it’s actually kind of addictive! Well, not as much as the new Aliens: Colonial Marines. Let me know what you think about the app by tweeting @gamernextdoor.
Bell Rogue Motorcycle Helmet
Ever since we saw this Bell Rogue helmet we’ve been weighing the pros
and cons of pooling our cash together to invest in a much-needed chopper. Really,
how cool would it be to drive cross-country, picking up Playmates to keep us
company along the way with this bad boy on? Its sleek vintage design, built-in
speaker pockets and removable muzzle are built tough to ward off all elements
you may encounter on the road. The helmet comes in four colors and is extremely
comfortable and lightweight, with a magnetic connection that makes it easy to
take the muzzle off whenever it isn’t needed. It’s safe to say we’ve never seen
anything quite like this before and we love it!
Olympus Tough TG-2
Whether you’re spending your days skiing, building igloos or
just taking a walk in this frigid winter wonderland, taking photos with your
smartphone is completely out of the question. Who would want to take their
gloves off in this weather? Olympus’s latest all-terrain camera Tough TG-2, released at
this year’s CES, is setting the bar high for other tough-built models on the
market. For one, its waterproof capabilities have been improved to depths of 15
meters, which will come in handy if you drop it into a snowbank or are
participating in a polar bear dip. Its quite impressive super macro zoom mode
is perfect for super artsy photos of snowflakes to impress the ladies, and its
large size makes the camera easy to grip even if you’re wearing gloves.
Like all people who are getting divorced, my friend talked about loneliness, his sex life
and the damage divorce would do to his kids. After five minutes of
this, he—like all people who are getting divorced—spent half an hour
talking about money. My friend said he was lucky in that he had saved up
“a pretty big chunk.” When I gingerly asked him how much “a pretty big
chunk” was, he gingerly said, “A lot more than you’d think.” This went
on for a few minutes. He said “quite a bit,” “a good start” and “not
nearly enough to retire.” It was like playing The Price Is Right’s Showcase Showdown with a car salesman.
For the next few weeks I kept coming up with equations to try to figure
out how much he had—approximating his salary, his mortgage and the
number of times he eats out each week. I had no idea why this bothered
me so much—especially since I spent no time whatsoever trying to figure
out why he was getting divorced.
That’s because men never talk about money. We’ll tell each other about
genital warts, prostitutes, prostitutes we got genital warts from,
prostitutes we’ve given genital warts to, prostitutes who got genital
warts from other prostitutes at particularly good bachelor parties—but
not about our salaries, how much we’ve saved for retirement or even our
tax bracket. It’s way too personal. More so than the number of women
we’ve slept with or the number of people who work for us, money is how
we rank one another. Women rank one another in much healthier ways, like
by who is skinnier. The Forbes 400 is our People magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People.
Money has totally different purposes for men and women. Women actually
see money as something they use just to buy things. That’s why they
split the check when they go out to dinner. They want to keep their
money for clothes and jewelry and expensive juices. But for men, the
purpose of money is to grab the check. Money is for establishing
dominance. We are herd animals, and people with platinum status get on
the plane first. It’s why, even in adulthood, we say things like “Would
you drink the entire jar of pickle juice if I gave you $300?” If we
could sell each other into slavery, we totally would.
Our idols are Mark Zuckerberg and Warren Buffett—guys so badass they
greedily accumulate money with no interest in spending it. Zuckerberg
wears a hoodie and had his wedding in his backyard. Buffett has lived in
the same small Omaha house for years and has a Cadillac DTS that he
drives himself. The only thing he has splurged on is a giant flatscreen
so he can watch Cornhusker games. Despite his money and his hot wife, no
man wants to be Donald Trump, who puts gold on everything and fusses
about his hair. What’s the point of making a lot of money if you have to
live like a Real Housewife? The last time Warren Buffett thought about his hair was during puberty.
For men, there’s absolutely nothing better than an athlete declaring
bankruptcy. Those guys who were cooler than even the coolest guy in our
high school, who got more action than we’ve gotten vicariously in POV
porn—they got done in by shopping sprees. Did Mike Tyson really need
tigers? Did Warren Sapp need to create a family crest and put it on the
chairs in his screening room? Did Lenny Dykstra need any of those gold
These bankruptcies restore a little bit of fairness to a frustrating
game with random rules. Guys who do things that are even less
consequential than writing a column for Playboy—high-frequency
traders, creators of apps, Piers Morgan—make tons more than I do.
Teachers, nurses and cancer researchers make less. Which is why we’re
obsessed with athletes’ salaries in the first place. Sports have
definitive metrics, so if Alex Rodriguez hits only .272, we can get
accurately angry at the crappiness of capitalism. And of Alex Rodriguez.
But all this jealousy and schadenfreude hurts our friendships. Because
men friend for life, I have high school and college friends whose
incomes are wildly different from mine. Women make new friends
continually at every stage of their lives because most of their
conversations are about shoes and handbags. But not knowing how much my
friends make, I never know which restaurant to pick for dinner. I feel
as though I’m never supposed to mention money around my friends who have
less—even though many of them spent their 20s taunting me with the fact
that they got laid much more than I did. Of course their method of
taunting was simply getting laid much more than I did. Still, they could
have shielded me from it. Just like I could have not forced them to go
on a tour of my house, ending in my wine closet.
So after a month of wondering about my divorcing friend’s money, I
decided to do something no man has ever done: I told him how much I had
saved up. It was nearly the same amount he had, thus making us far
closer friends than ever before. I would tell you how much this is, but
that would preclude you from being my friend. Perhaps even from reading
this column. Let’s just say it’s exactly as much as you’ve saved.